I'm Nothing Without You

[cagedmemories]

Shin! Are you home?

[Namine was a creature of habit in many respects. She got up, went to school, paid attention, came home, did her homework - it was a measured, almost overly genial existence, rhythmic in its complacency. But today she was late getting home, for the first time since she stepped foot into her high school a classmate had asked to talk to her! Nerve-wracking as it had been Sora was incredibly nice and she’d found herself following him as he went to the arcade to meet his friends. If not for how late it had become and how overwhelming larger groups could be she might have stayed even longer.

… I brought dinner. [It was the least she could do for possibly worrying him, but for as awful as she felt Namine sort of hoped that he was off on his own. Interesting as it had been the slight departure from her routine was exhausting, she set their convenience store meal on an already crowded table, reminded herself to clean the house as soon as possible.

Right now she didn't have it in her. Instead she went to her room and dropped her bag off before moving on to his, knocking on the door. Namine had made it through the whole afternoon without worrying about her brother, but to say he hadn't remained in her thoughts was just wrong. She could never be without him entirely, and maybe that was why she suddenly wanted to see him so badly.]

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[dragonseye]

[ Shin was home-- had been for the past hour and a half. After a quick after-school trip to the house of his girlfriend, Mana, so that he could pick up the jacket he'd forgotten there the night before, he had hurried home, his own desire to see Naminé overwhelming everything else in his mind.

Imagine his surprise, then, when he arrived to an empty home, his beloved sister nowhere to be found. Initially he'd figured that she'd be only a few minutes late due to her missing the usual train. But when twenty minutes had passed, he began to worry. Ten minutes later, that worry changed into the deepest concern. His thoughts became increasingly frantic and panicked. Thoughts such as, 'Could Naminé have gotten into an accident...? If she was gonna be late, she would've called me! Fuck, what am I gonna do?!', and so on.

When an hour passed, however, all that concern and worry had transformed into anger. Now that he thought about it, he had witnessed Naminé speaking to that one spikey-haired freshman earlier in the day. Shin had been too far to overhear their conversation, but he had seen them laughing and smiling together...

So when Naminé had finally arrived home and gone up to knock at her brother's door, Shin would open it -- the scent of acrid smoke wafting out from his room and into the hallway -- and merely stood at the doorframe, a lit cigarette dangling between his lips as he gazed down at his sibling.

Due to his anger, there was no warm smile this time, no accompanying words of greeting from Naminé's older brother. Instead, Shin greeted her with a question, one that was uncharacteristically cold and almost accusatory in tone: ]

Where've you been?

[cagedmemories]

[To say that she hadn’t expected some irritation would be a bold-faced, cheap lie. She had no right to wilt under his tone or feel herself shrink a full size, but she did anyway. For everything else that they were Shin was her brother, and a complicated series of emotions inevitably followed his upset. To make everything worse it dawns on her that he must have heard her come in, that he was apparently bothered enough to ignore her and it stung.]

I’m sorry.

[That’s not the answer he wants, she knows that but for whatever joy she might have felt with Sora, a brief freedom from an expected monotony, now she feels awful. And while lying does briefly cross her mind she’s smart enough to be honest.]

I talked to Sora for a little while.

[In trying to make it sound casual and easy Namine comes off awkward and forced. It’s not just a bit of talking, not to him, and she knows that.]

[dragonseye]

[ Naminé was wise to tell the truth, since Shin would have immediately recognized her lying. After all, him and his sister knew each other better than they knew themselves, and Shin would've been absolutely furious had she chosen to be dishonest.

As a consequence of her being truthful, instead of reacting with even more anger, he merely huffed a cloud of smoke out and turned away from Naminé, walking over to his bed so he could casually plop down on his back against it. ]

Hmph. You two talked plenty during lunch today.

[ He took a long, relaxing drag on his cigarette, then exhaled through his nostrils as he stared up at the ceiling. ]

Guess it wasn't enough, huh?

[cagedmemories]

[It was because he could see through her that she wouldn't act as if the outing was unpleasant, or that she hadn't enjoyed Sora's company. She turned her head away from the smoke, incredibly tempted to ask him for the thousandth time why he insisted on murdering his own lungs.]

Shin, you aren't jealous.

[It was somewhere between a statement and a question, as if the idea was utterly preposterous because it simply was. She'd had fun but Sora wasn't Shin. No one could hope to compare to brother or make her feel nearly as much as he did.]

He's just a boy. [Just someone in her class, a face that she can dimly recall if she thought hard enough. Still, she doesn't feel confident enough to follow after him. Namine remained in her brother's doorway, arms folded in on herself, her head tilted a bit to one side.]

[dragonseye]

...

[ There was an awkward silence that followed Naminé's rebuttal, one that involved Shin continuing to stare vacantly at nothing, while he finished up the rest of his cigarette. Once he'd managed to smoke the cancer stick down to its filter, he sat up and stubbed it out in the ashtray atop his nightstand.

And though he was looking off to the side, away from Naminé, he then patted the space beside him on the bed, inviting her to take a seat. ]

Just a boy. [ He mirrored her words, pausing and considering for a moment, before adding, ] But he's also not your brother.

[cagedmemories]

No.

[She smoothed the bottom of her skirt before sitting next to him, ankles crossed while she pretended to look up at his ceiling. It had been very fascinating to him, after all, so she figured it was worth glancing at while she considered her own words.] And that's exactly why it doesn't matter.

[And one little deviation was nothing compared to the awareness he granted her. They were used to one another now but she never stopped longing for more, and she rarely thought of anyone but her brother. It was a love that could be devouring and Namine welcomed it. And if he meant that Sora might be easier because he wasn't related to her then that was ... Well, that was so incredibly stupid that Namine refused to accept that he might actually broach that topic. If they weren't supposed to be what they were, it wouldn't feel so right.

She leaned against him, and kept her hands to herself.] I don't care about anyone else.

[dragonseye]

[ To be fair, Shin had always possessed a skewed sense of right and wrong. There had always been something wrong with him, something profoundly dark lurking beneath the surface. As a child, there had been more than one instance in which he'd lashed out violently at those around him-- he had gotten into plenty of brawls with classmates, sent many of them to hospitals and beaten many of them to a pulp with his powerful fists. Even the punishments bestowed upon him by authority figures couldn't quell his bloodlust, and a result, he had garnered quite a negative reputation-- the reputation of a cruel, sadistic delinquent and gang leader who was feared by everyone.

But only one person didn't fear him. Naminé, his sweet baby sister, whose heart and body were both sullied by his hands. He had never once been cruel or violent towards her -- his all-encompassing love for her prevented him from showing her anything but brotherly kindness -- yet even he was aware at some level that he'd wronged her, with his extreme possessiveness and overprotectiveness. Not to mention the fact that he, her own brother, had been the one to claim both her first kiss and her virginity. And just once hadn't been enough either-- throughout the years he had fucked her again and again and again. He would constantly seek out her scent and warmth. He was addicted to her very presence, emboldened by the moans and whimpers she gave whenever he was in the midst of taking her...

This time, however, even Naminé's warmth and calming presence failed to put an end to his anger. And as a consequence, he would act upon that rage.

It happened quickly-- he turned to face his sister and threw himself upon her. There was some shifting, the rustling of bodies, and he was suddenly on top of her, straddling her sides as he stared down, his gaze cold and piercing and devoid of any brotherly warmth, his strong hands pinning her arms above her head and preventing any escape. ]

If that were true, you would've fuckin' cared enough to let me know you were gonna be late.

[cagedmemories]

[They were the different ends of an immense spectrum. She didn’t condone his behavior, or even his ability to control his emotions. These were traits that her brother was stuck with, that were enabled by their all together useless parents, but he also seemed incredibly unwilling to pull himself from it, either. He was dangerous to many people, not to mention complicated and she couldn’t afford to rocket out of control, not even once - he did enough of that for the both of them. He was incredibly grounding in a roundabout manner.

But Namine was also prone to being a little too optimistic, maybe even gullible. For as many times as she had cleaned the blood from his hands, comforted him and seen the results of his work she had never feared her brother. No only because he had done nothing but love her, and not only because of the immense, brain altering pleasure he was capable of giving her but because … She never once thought he would direct that anger her way.

Somewhere along the line she had convinced herself that she’d tamed a wildcat, and that just wasn’t possible.

It’s a thought that strikes her when she really takes in his expression and the grip about her wrists. She still wasn’t scared, but this was certainly alarming (and, a very far away part of her realizes: vaguely arousing) and her voice failed her.]

It’s not any different from you and Mana.

[Apparently her brain was failing as well, because she had deliberately avoided commenting on his girlfriend. She didn’t want to admit to being jealous. She didn’t pretend to have much influence over what he did. But she liked to tell herself that his ‘girlfriend’ was an idle matter at best, an annoyance at worst.

But she’s been wrong so far, so maybe that’s just another screw up to add to the list.]

[dragonseye]

[ Shin's expression visibly faltered when Naminé mentioned his girlfriend's name. ]

That's... [ "... not true," was what he wanted to say, but despite all his flaws, despite how unstable and crazy he was, even Shin realized that it would be hypocritical of him to make such a claim. In fact, when compared to Naminé's innocent "date" -- if you could even call it that -- with Sora at the arcade, what Shin had done with Mana was far, far more serious.

He'd fucked her, of course, on more than one occasion, though he never mentioned these trysts to Naminé. Yet he knew that she knew-- after all, for what other purpose would he have been at Mana's house late last night? ]

... You're right. [ He agreed, unable to argue against logic. ] But I don't belong to Mana.

[ With Naminé lying appealingly underneath him, Shin couldn't help but feel similarly aroused. He was still angry, but even through his anger he still recognized his baby sister's beauty.

He shifted a bit, realizing that only one hand was needed to keep both of her arms pinned to the mattress. With the other he began to undo her blouse, revealing more and more of her flawless ivory skin with each button undone. ]

I belong to you. [ Wanting to smell and feel the touch of her bare skin, he dipped his head low and buried his face in her neck, trailing kisses up and down until he found a pulse point. He closed his hot mouth around it, sucking harshly, then catching it between his teeth, only to lave the nip with his tongue. ] The same way you belong to me.

[ And he was hellbent on reminding her of that fact. ]

[cagedmemories]

But …

[On a good day she had no reason to think about it, it was a manageable topic as any but within the context of the days events it burned in a way she didn’t know was possible. Even if she wasn’t the most talkative or emotive at times, there was no one in the world who could hope to compare to Shin. She had loved him all of her life, hadn’t begrudged him even slightly for being her first everything. Namine defended and supported him even when she probably shouldn’t have and he - he still felt the need to sleep with someone else. And the worst she had done was briefly consider holding Sora’s hand when he’d offered.

Wasn’t it unfair?

She didn’t want to think about it, and that was wrong, she knew it was, but what would she do without Shin? So despite her frustration and the awful jealousy in the pit of her stomach Namine didn’t fight with him. He pulled and bit and her heart raced and her skin flushed the same way it had always done, only for him.

For now she wouldn’t give him anything if it could be helped. Not a moan, whimper, no calling his name - it was petulant and mean of her, but she couldn’t be perfect.]